It has been told to me that aquarians have one true love in their life; I just figured out last night that the man I have been dating for 4 weeks has another in mind.  Now, I don’t mean to get ahead of myself, or stir something into the mix that isn’t there, but I can’t help but think that she is the one he wants to be with.

UG

However that is not why I’m posting today.  In my opinion, there are crucial components to a relationship, or even someone you’re dating; one of which is the physical.  Now, its one thing if your man doesn’t like or isn’t into PDA, but another thing if he doesn’t enjoy kissing.  Period.  What is THAT about?!?

I decided to bring it up, being the insecure chick I can be.  I told him that even though I already knew he didn’t like being all lovey dovey in public, I didn’t understand why he never kissed ME at all, even when we are alone.  His reasoning was that he has always been the “independent” type.  So? … That’s it?  I’d like to think I am the independent type as well, but no matter how independent someone is, or gets they still have physical needs.

Now, I’m not talking about having sex, or god forbid, making love- I’m talking about a simple touch.  Holding hands is an awesome way of telling someone that they are thinking of you without using a single word.  Maybe even that they can’t express themselves with words so you need to touch them.  But I’m sure that has to do with actual feelings, huh?

He also told me that he does not have any real feelings for me.  He has a wall.  He has an excuse.  He has been burned.

I asked him, why is he making me pay for all of their mistakes?  And I assured him that I would never do anything to hurt him.  A crack wasn never made.  He held up his shield like it was the only thing he had, and I had to accept that.

This is what he wrote me-

Subject: Your Suhi

“Hello just wondern are u tryn to have a seriouse relationship and want to knw if i could b tha man for u u look like a rose sent from heaven and want to make u blossom with love everyday we cherish together and show wat real love is and making u smile and happy everyday if u give me a chance”

This was my response…

“Wow, you’re really jumpin right into it huh? I mean, it all sounds real sweet and whatnot, but I’m a realist about this kind of stuff.. of course its valid to have an opinion on someone’s looks, but you don’t even know my name… and that’s an awful lot to promise- love everyday?

what if I just said hells yea!! are you the type of guy that will manipulate that situation to your advantage? or is there merit and truth in your words?
ok… that was a mouthful… I don’t usually go on rants like that, but I was somehow inspired to do so.

By the way- I don’t know if you’re aware, or if it was a typo- but in the subject line you typed “your suhi”… and didn’t know what that meant so I looked it up… it has a couple definitions- in Egypt, it means camel shit… hahahahaa… ahem.
and another one said born in “abnormal position” sooo I’m thinkin it was a typo… hehe

ok, now that I probably scared you off … lol”

I discovered a few things about myself, and the world; I am an editor, and the word for camel shit.  Who woulda’ thought?

To give a little background on my love life, or lack there of, I am 23 going on 24 years of age and have been with 4 men. Two of which do not cuddle, one who has to be asked and the other, the most recent of the four, has still left an imprint of his leg on mine. Now, in my life, I have never fully understood the concept and/ or hype of this cuddling business. My experiences have been limited to small twin sized mattresses and back seats of cars, so holding each other was not part of the game plan. This did not lead to low self-esteem or self-loathing- how can you miss something that you have never encountered? Of course I was still curious.

I had engaged in conversation with said, teenie peenie on a dating website. He had messaged me because the site matched us, duh, and he found me to be “cute.” And so it began! Back and forth for about a week; the tête-à-tête was amusing and somewhat charming, which lead me to think we might arrange for a date. We did indeed meet on a Saturday, early dinner and a movie at his place, followed by a make out session and eventual removal of clothing. At an early 8:30pm he lead me to his room where the remainder of clothing we still occupied was eventually let go. Needless to say I was a bit disappointed in the nether regions but gave him the benefit of the doubt.

After all was said and done, we cuddled, just like I thought we would. Ha, he wanted to fall asleep… it was only 9 o’clock, the TV was still on and my current bed time is generally in the am! So I woke him up we watched TV, and then I gave him a reason to be tired.

We fell asleep together; well, he did most of the sleeping I was just so wrapped up in the fact that this guy was holding me. Of course we all have our insecurities but it didn’t matter- he held my hand, rubbed my back, not like a massage but it was gentle. And he held me. Thinking about it now, looking back to that weekend, I had only known this man for a little over a week and I had been more intimate with him than any of my other of my past relationships. My ex that I had been seeing on and off for 2 years never made me feel that warm and comfortable in bed.

My point is, that this will be a learning experience that I will not be able to relate to any another man. It is my learning experience to determine who I am. We may not have the same views, and his insecurities might have gotten the best of him, but because of all of this I’ve seen the potential of some men and what I have come to desire.

I’ve come to the conclusion- I like cuddling.

I met TK at my job about a month before we had sex; we hung out a handful of times and had one official date. We had good times, but the problem with having any kind of relationship with someone you work with is that everyone needs to get involved; I’m not talking about threesomes, you dirty mofo. Good friends, they want to look out for you, and make sure that you don’t get hurt, but I’ve learned that close friends can be the biggest cock-block. Not in a terribly bad way, they mean well, but you have to get hurt or fall in order to realize mistakes. Anyway, I kept hearing about TK’s reputation; he cheats, lies, steals, the whole nine yards- but I didn’t listen. In fact it made me want to see him more. It sort of romanticizes the whole thing, making you look foolish and naïve- maybe I can be the person who helps him turn his life around!

I went to his house that morning about 11am; we watched a movie and made out a bit. This was one of the first times we weren’t in a car making out- it was kind of nice and escalated a bit more than I was used to. I figured the next thing was to just do it. We go to his room, and he does the whole “are you sure” thing and I said yes.

Not very romantic, nothing special; I didn’t know what I was doing, but I was faking it till I was making it. (By the way I’m not a big fan of “faking it”) Apparently he could see right through me or even see it on my face because a few minutes into it he asked me if it was my first time. Unbelievably embarrassed, I admitted the truth. I didn’t want to see his reaction so I turned my head but he made sure I was looking at him when he said, “It’s okay; we can stop if you want to.”

We didn’t. Someone told me you fall in love with your first, even if you don’t want or mean to, it just happens. I understood the words, they made sense to me, but he didn’t explain the emotion part too well. And every guy I’m with, I can’t help but to hold him against TK for inspection.